New blurb for Heart of the Crystal

[marfisk]

Okay, the last one was an attempt to mimic Harlequin back cover blurbs. This one takes into account some of the comments and the mixing in my brain, plus assistance from a good friend :). My only concern is this is more of a non-romance one because the answer to the question at the end is obvious, just not how she will manage it. On the other hand, the how will she is implicit in the question so I think it works. What do you all think?

Hounded by paparazzi from childhood, Bethany Michaels has no reason to trust a man who shows too much interest in her mentally unbalanced mother. Still, her heart won't let her forget him. But what can she do when she discovers damning evidence that he is after the former superstar's story? Can she risk her mother's happiness for her own?

Comments

[alienmoon76.livejournal.com]

I like most of it. Not too charmed by that last sentence, though. If her mother is mentally unbalanced would she be aware at all of any story written about her? Just a suggestion, but maybe you could focus more on the trust issues - does this man care foir her at all, or is he just using her - or maybe in her being divided between her desire to have this man, and her desire to protect her mother.

[marfisk]

Thanks. And hmm. That last sentence is supposed to hold how she's divided, but guess it didn't work. I'll have to think about that a bit :).

And I've thought. How about...

Can she risk believing in him when she knows what exposure will do to her mother?

[alienmoon76.livejournal.com]

I like that one better. It does seem to give a clearer view of the conflit.

[marfisk]

Great :). It's about the fourth stab at that last line, and it does work better than what I settled on :D.

Thanks for the feedback.

[ruvdraba.livejournal.com]

What's missing from this Margaret is any sense of who Bethany is. She's the daughter of a superstar but who is she in herself and why do paparazzi hound her? There must be something interesting about her, or they wouldn't bother. The kids of superstars can have very interesting and quirky lives. Since she's the character we're hitching a ride with, we'd like to know what kind of life that is.

[marfisk]

Sigh. The paparazzi aren't hounding her except in that she's become her mother's caretaker. Very good point. It's a harsh question because one of the issues in the novel is that there is no "her" in the terms you're looking for.

She's a loving, caring, devoted daughter who has given up everything to be that. She didn't really have a choice, at least in her mind, and the few times she's tried to expand her life, somehow her responsibilities toward her mother have prevented it. She needs to find her counterpart in life, someone who understands how important her mother is while at the same time wants to help Bethany discover who she is without the struggle she's been living since before she turned 15.

And yet, none of that is possible to put in the blurb without too much explanation. Her job doesn't define her, it pays the bills. She doesn't really have the time and energy for hobbies. She has no friends except her grandmotherly neighbor who takes care of Isobel while Bethany's at work.

What defines her is her decision, despite the overwhelming nature of the task, to keep her mother at home with her in an environment where Isobel is comfortable, happy, and understood.

Any suggestions?

[ruvdraba.livejournal.com]

She's a loving, caring, devoted daughter who has given up everything to be that.

Okay, now she's interesting! The tension is in part created by this element of her situation. She's been her mother's door-bitch and caretaker all this time. The paparazzi hound her because she's running interference. She is owed some happiness, but at what price?

Put that in first up as part of the "Who Bethany is". It's your strongest hook.

But then you need the bait on the hook - what's so great about this dude that she's drooling? It has to be more than that he's just available. At the moment he looks like an exploitative user, and she looks like a loser for even considering it. Doesn't she have other offers? The tension here is internal so tempt her dammit!

And lighten up on the threat. Make it juicy, but just a bit dangerous.

[marfisk]

Sigh. I can't win, you realize. When I made it internal, everyone asked about the external. This is three-four sentences. Not the synopsis which begins with:

Bethany Michaels has given up everything to keep her former superstar mother's condition a secret: friends, a stable life, love...but when she meets Damien Donnellin, her heart won't let her turn aside.

And continues into just what you're asking for.

However, the more I try to press into the blurb, the more confusing, distracted, etc. it gets and the more questions people ask that have to be answered as well.

I'll look, but really at this point I just want something intriguing enough to get someone to look at the synopsis and then the pages. I know some people who can sum up books in 10 words, but I generally find those are pared to the point that they're not accurate or lead to more confusion. The point of the blurb is to intrigue you. I suppose I should consider it a success, because it did just that. What was your response? To ask questions, to want more detail. I'll have to think about this, because I don't want to provide all the answers even if I could. If I could provide everything in a four sentence blurb, it wouldn't say much for the novel, in my opinion.

Oh, and this is a Bethany-focused blurb on purpose. The reason being that whatever I say about Damien is either a lie or contradicts what Bethany believes. That's the point of the novel. Does she believe the apparent evidence she finds or does she give him a chance to show who he really is? And for that, you'll have to read the book :).

[ruvdraba.livejournal.com]

Nothing like some rubbernecker jumping into the tail end of a conversation. And not even in a genre I read. Glad to be of service! :D

Seriously though: give us a grabby character, a sympathetic objective and a strong source of tension. You need all three to hook us.

My recommendation on the hunk was to make the objective sympathetic. He reads "guy"; I think you want "hot guy". That's all I was looking for. :D

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

OK, I'll bite. I'm having a little break from writing with a cup of coffee.

Hounded by paparazzi from childhood, Bethany Michaels has no reason to trust a man who shows too much interest in her mentally unbalanced mother. Still, her heart won't let her forget him. But what can she do when she discovers damning evidence that he is after the former superstar's story? Can she risk her mother's happiness for her own?

I take it this is mainstream, not SF, because I can't see an SF element.

My totally random and rambling thoughts, for what they're worth ;-)

Sentence 1: consider mentioning the mother's history of superstar-dom here.
Sentence 2: with her history of being hounded, I wonder if this should come as a surprise. You might want to say something about how they met or who intiated contact. I presume that would have been him, and might this not make her suspicious?
sentence 3: From this, I'm gathering it's a romantic story, unless the mother's mental instability has some added significance. If it does, and the story is not about the romance, then I would mention it. I'm wondering if with Bethany's history, she would consider this relationship as viable. IMO everyone grows up with inbuilt 'lines' that if people cross these, they cannot possibly be friends. I would think that as a child of a star, she would have grown up to hate paperazzi so much, she wouldn't consider them people. If she does, I'm thinking she may be hankering for attention, or be really unsure.

I'm also wondering if these three lines give the start or a description of the story. It's an intriguing paragraph, which makes me think that there will be lots of talk over glasses of wine, mindsearching and delving into the past in this story. If it's more action-based, you might want to tweak the wording or add a few bits of info. Some thoughts: What was so special about the mother? Why should the public care about what happens to her? Why is his prying into her life so objectionable?

BTW - I think it was you saying that some reviewer told you that people were leaving OWW because of you? ROTFL! IMO that just reflects badly upon the intolerant person who said this. If you're on the list long enough, chances are you will strike someone like this. People get upset about all sorts of things: because your reviews are too detailed or too short, too harsh or too 'loving', about the fact that your review them, or the fact that you don't. If they don't agree with your review, some people will get really, really defensive, some will bug you ad infinitam with follow-up questions. The best way to deal with it is to quietly ignore any reviewers and authors whose style you can't hack. Eventually most people get the message. There are plenty of others on the list.

[marfisk]

To answer in completely random order...okay reverse ;).

Yep. That was me with the comment. It was mind numbing and threw me for a loop for quite some time, had me staring at my crit and trying to figure out where I went wrong. It was an honest crit, as all mine are, and yes, there were problems with the post. The other crits were all happy go lucky so maybe I should have been warned. On the other hand there's just as much chance that the author was waiting for a crit with meat on it. I eventually got over the numb, but the shock that someone would have the gall and idiocy to say something like that hasn't quite worn off. If people don't like a crit, fine, don't return it, walk away, or even say, I'm sorry but your brand of critting doesn't work for me. What's funny is some of the crits I felt that way about way back when, years later proved the most useful when I could face that story again. But anyway, yes, people can get defensive. They can also forget there's another person on the other side of that crit who was just trying to help. And no, I won't be going back to that person unless by sheer accident. I've learned how to use the list function :).

On to the blurb ;).

This is for a romance novel and yes, your comments about the lines is exactly what it explores. Bethany has serious trust issues with very good reason, from prying reporters to a boyfriend who asked her to marry him with the one condition being putting her mother into a home. Add to that, because I'm evil, is apparently hard and fast evidence that Damien is exactly what she thinks he is, the worst kind of low down freelance tabloid reporter. As it turns out, there is more than one possible explanation for what she finds, but they have a lot of struggle to get to the point where she feels she can trust him enough to ask first despite damning proof of her worst fears.

On your first point, I'll try again to tuck the superstar into the first line, but every attempt just made it klutzy. Any suggestions? The answer to her superstardom is that she was a famous singer...it's been well over 10 years and the world has moved on, but Bethany hasn't. She's still dreading the moment one of the "where are they now" folks pops out of the woodwork to splash her mother's condition (a form of dementia where she lives almost entirely in her happy past) all over the news.

Ah, and how they met. Well, it's in the title. Heart of the Crystal. It's a chance meeting at an estate sale. He came looking for a crystal powder bowl that is being sold for nothing because the man who inherited the estate hasn't the time or inclination to price the goods of his great uncle when they are 99% (he thinks 100%) junk. After all, a wealthy man who collected Troll dolls really had no taste ;). The sale is near her work and after a difficult morning, she goes for a walk in the hot sun and ducks inside to get into air conditioning. This is my moment of fate or coincidence (that one gimme) because the crystal powder bowl belonged to her mother, was a significant part of her childhood and like everything else had to be sold when her mother stopped showing up at performances.

There, I think that answered all your questions :p. Blurbing is insane. This is a complex book and everything leads to something else. However, a focus on how they met would not strengthen the blurb, I don't think. At first she thinks he's a gigolo out for a quick buck. But then she has no idea her mother's dresser equipment is worth over $100k (actually based on a real powder bowl that was listed as missing).

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

First sentence suggestions:

Hounded by paparazzi from childhood, Bethany Michaels has no reason to trust a man who shows too much interest in her mentally unbalanced mother.

could be something like:

Hounded by paparazzi from childhood, Bethany Michaels has no reason to trust a man who shows too much interest in her faded superstar mother, who has slipped into mental problems.

Or you might need to divide this into two sentences:

As daughter of a superstar, Bethany Michaels has been hounded by paperazzi all her life. Now that her mother is slowly going insane, she has no reason to trust a man who has more than a passing interest in her mother's life (or fortunes, or possessions)

Some more rambling comments:

From what you're saying, I get the feeling that Bethany is in a way quite immature and insecure. If she doesn't know how much her mother's stuff is worth, then who does? How come she's so ignorant? I presume she has a lot of growing up to do. I sense an abusive relationship where the balance of power lies with the man.

I agree with Ruv that it would be an excellent idea to mention that she has given up everything to look after her mother. This gives immediate character sympathy.

[marfisk]

Gak, not more sentences :p ;).

Four is generally the max for this type of blurb. I'll play with the elements. Maybe I'm being blind but I'm not seeing how to explicitly spell out what she's done and explain her mother's condition and that her mom's a former superstar all in one sentence. Maybe it'll come to me tomorrow morning.

I think part of the problem is that for me, the fact that she's given up everything is implicit. I mean if she hadn't why would she still be caring about her mother's state? If someone else had responsibility for caring for her mother, then that person would take care of the intrusions.

Hmm,

But I could do something like:

Only daughter of a former superstar, Bethany Michaels has no reason to trust a man who shows too much interest in her unbalanced mother.

It still doesn't say explicitly that she's given up her life to care for her mother, but that's really the only option if she won't put Isabel into a home and they don't have money. Which I don't say either, but...

On the possessions, the comment actually surprises me so I want to explore it more. I know that my parents have a lot of objects, many of which are precious to me for some memory or another. However, I have no idea their monetary value now. Especially if they had been sold off when I was a kid and now I found one again at a yard sale, I certainly wouldn't question the price. Heck, even if it was a Van Gogh, I'd probably recognize the painting as something familiar rather than the painter as someone famous.

Is this really that unique? Also, the value of objects can be quite subjective. I have a painting my parents gave me from a young artist in Trinidad. When they bought it, it cost something like $50-$100 US. Apparently it's worth over $1k now. To me, it's still the painting that I thought got deeper and so Mom bought it for me because I disagreed with her choice of paintings.

In this case, the powder bowl was part of a special ritual when she was a kid. When her mother sold everything, it was gone. She finds it at an estate sale for $30. Why would she assume it had a value greater than that without knowing its history?

Is this implausible? Or did I describe it in such a way that it seemed implausible. I can't see Bethany's maturity is at issue here. There are estate sale hunters who know what to look for, but most of us just go and see what's there and wouldn't recognize a find if it was right in front of us. Isn't that what the antique roadshow is all about?

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

I would think that if Bethany's mum was indeed such a superstar, and as recently as 10 years ago, she would have an accountant/financial adviser who kept tabs on her worth, so I think I would find the situation you describe more plausible in our own 'nobody' situation as you describe with the painting. This depends of course on how much the bowl is worth. Is it that important in the story or is it just a way for the two to meet?

BTW - I'm not saying the blurb is bad. I'm just asking annoying questions ;-)

[marfisk]

LOL, yeah, well, I'm trying to filter out which are the change the blurb comments and which are the interesting question ones. I think this is a good blurb, but that doesn't mean I'm against making it better. It's just this isn't my first blurb (though it's my first romance blurb) and I've been this road before. The need to add all the information is a dangerous thing that needs to be fought off with all my strength before the blurb becomes cloudy rather than sharp. So yeah, annoying ;), but not necessarily in a bad way.

And yes, now I understand your question about her maturity. However, I've got that covered ;). Her husband was the financial adviser/manager and her mind had been already slipping before he died in a plane crash when Bethany was a kid. Isobel held it together for a while, but it didn't last and by the time her deterioration got so bad she couldn't work, there really wasn't any work left anyway.

There's a lot of backstory to Bethany's current state, and so far the readers don't have a problem with how it's integrated. However, that too will not be showing up in the blurb ;). On the other hand, it's fun to talk about.

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

another comment (other subject):

IMO, if you've been on the OWW for a while, you don't do three-line reviews, and no one has ever told you they don't want you to review them anymore your reviews are bland: without passion, detail and depth.

Some people just don't want reviews; they want praise.

[marfisk]

LOL, now that's an interesting perspective. So I should wear that comment as a badge of honor? I like that :).

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

ROTFL!

Sometimes a story sucks. As regular producer of stories that suck I know that well.

If as reviewer you are too pussy-footed to tell someone (in reasonably polite language of course) their story sucks, what is your worth as reviewer?

I don't like being told my story sucks. But to be honest with myself, I often knew this already when I submitted it. I was just kinda hoping everyone would think it's wonderful. Guess what? NOT.

It is what you do with the review that matters. Mouthing off at the reviewer shows your own immaturity, but some people do it nevertheless. I wouldn't worry about them if I were you. I select against people who think everything is wonderful.

[marfisk]

Okay, I'll admit I'm a bit of an odd duck, but I submit things in the hopes I'll be told they suck...and why. Because often I'm just too close to see it, or I've got the story almost there but need a nudge to get it over the last hump.

And I can't claim I never mouthed off a reviewer, I just do it in the comfort of my own home with my hands OFF the keyboard. And sometimes, when I calm down, I go back and find the value in the feedback even when it seemed like there was none at first.

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

Yep. And Amen to that, too.

I won't say I won't get angry, I just don't put it in writing, especially if the review contains no 'offensive' passages. The only reviews that get up my nose these days are the ones that say 'great' or 'this sucks' in three sentences and give no reasoning. I have never told anyone not to review me anymore.

[marfisk]

Me too. I don't promise crit backs, but I do try to give them regardless. My own little rebellion for what I consider an inadequate crit (and I go by apparent effort as opposed to quality since critters come at all levels) is just not to return a crit. After all, why pursue a crit relationship with someone I know won't bother to return the favor in a useful way. And really, I've only got one person on that list. Anyone else still waiting I either missed the window on their most posts, or somehow failed to put their name on the to crit list because I'm human.